I’ve said some dumb things in my life. But we’re not going to talk about those now – or ever. No, I’d much rather talk about the dumb things other people say. One of the dumbest is "You can’t miss it!" from someone giving directions. Believe me, I can. Is it on fire? No? Then I can miss it. Then there’s the old, "Where did you put it last?" when you’re ransacking the house for a lost object. Sure I know where I put it last. I’m looking between the couch cushions and under the bed for FUN! When someone says, "You look nice today," don’t you secretly wonder if they mean compared to the way you look every other day? And, it hurts when you’re discussing a problem with someone you thought was sympathetic, and he says, "It could be worse." Then he proceeds to educate you on how really bad the situation could get before it gets better-if it ever does get better. Or there’s the related, "Just be glad you don’t have it as bad as …" Then they tell you about so-and-so who had a similar problem that was really much worse than yours, the implication being you have it pretty darn easy and should just stop complaining. Now not only do you feel bad, you feel bad for feeling bad. Some dumb things people say are simply not true. For example, of all the people I’ve heard say, "I don’t have anything to wear," I’ve never seen one of them naked. Thankfully. Then there’s the lovely lie that, "In America, children can grow up to be whatever they want to be." Tell that to a minor league baseball player or a crowd of presidential candidates come November 2008. And never listen to the owners of growling dogs who say, "He doesn’t bite." That’s exactly what the owner of the last dog that bit me said. Remind them firmly, "Of course he doesn’t bite YOU! You feed him!" (Worse is, "He’d probably lick you to death." Like that would be any more pleasant.) Other dumb things we say are a waste of breath. For example, "Drive carefully." Do we really think the loved one who doesn’t even listen to us when we’re standing in front of them in the living room will suddenly recall our plea when they’re driving ten miles over the speed limit around a curve? "Oh ya! Mom told me to drive carefully." Customer service representatives filling out paperwork often asked, "Can you spell your name for me?" "Why yes, I think I can. D . . . O . . . R . . ." And of course, dumb things aren’t limited to spoken communication. I see the following in bold letters at the bottom of more and more e-mails: "PRIVILEGED AND CONFIDENTIAL! If you are receiving this message in error, please delete immediately." Number one, it’s always at the bottom, AFTER I’ve read the message I may or may not have been authorized to read. Number two; it seems to me that if you want every literate, English speaker on earth to read something, just put the words PRIVILEGED AND CONFIDENTIAL on it. On the other hand, if you really don’t want them to read it, label it TAX CODE or RULES AND REGULATIONS. Having said all of that, I have to admit that I’ve said some of the above dumb things myself. In fact, I’ve said some even dumber things. But if I’m ever desperate enough for a column idea that I decide to write about them, I’ll title it TAX CODE.
You can send your privileged, confidential, and other messages to drosby@rushmore.com or see www.dorothyrosby.com. Rosby’s column appears regularly in the Advocate.
