Speaking the truth in love.
If that phrase sounds familiar, it’s because it’s precisely what the Apostle Paul encouraged the Christians of Ephesus to do in his letter to them (4:15). "Speak the truth in love" – sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? And yet, as you and I both know, it’s much easier said than done; especially in the world we now find ourselves.
Social media allows us to say lots of things about other people and yet, a lot of what shows up on Social media is neither "true" nor "spoken in love." Add to that our propensity for "Minnesota Nice" (our natural inclination or tendency to speak about others rather than speaking directly to the person themselves.
Beyond that, we also are often tempted to revert to our pen name, "Anonymous" if we want to get something off our chest. But I hope that we all can agree that none of the above examples are what Paul was thinking about when he encouraged the Ephesians "to speak the truth in love."
Rather, as followers of Jesus, we are called to live differently than the world around us; and when it comes to communication (especially when we may be upset with someone) it means going directly to the person involved (that’s love in action) and addressing the issue (whatever it might be) in a honest and truthful manner – and that means, being open to the possibility that we might have misheard their words, or misinterpreted their actions.
"Speaking the truth in love" means that we go directly to the other person and check out what we think has happened, or what we think we heard – and have an open and honest conversation, always seeking to put the other’s actions in the best light (that too is Biblical), always seeking first to understand rather than to be understood, so that, as a result, either: clarification, edification, or absolution can happen.
And yes, according to Jesus, it is the responsibility of the one who feels that they have been hurt to make the first move! We often get that one turned around. Rather when someone hurts us, we often hold on to that hurt – waiting for "them" to come to us. And what happens then is that our hurt festers and grows and takes on a life of its own; which is not only destructive for the relationship, but especially for us who are holding on to the hurt. Rather, Jesus says in Matthew 18, "If another… sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone …" for in doing so you may just regain that friendship.
And do you know what? When we do that … when we go to the other person directly … Jesus promises that he will be present with us! Yes, it is right after these instructions about going directly to the other that Jesus promises that "whenever two or three are gathered in my name" (in conflict, disagreement), there he will be in our midst" as we seek, by direct communication, by active listening, to heal the hurt rather than to nurse the hurt!
I is my hope and prayer that we will all seek to live out Jesus’ words – for the sake of ourselves, our relationships, our country, and our world!
Dave Nelson is pastor of St. John’s Lutheran in Annandale. The Words for Living column appears occasionally in the Advocate.