"My Dysfunctional Family," "What Not to Wear," "The Voice," "Survivor," "American Idol," "Hoarders"! There are more reality shows than there are NFL scandals. I guess actors are expensive and networks have to put something on all those channels. More and more they seem to be relying on amateurs to fill air time. Well I’m an amateur. And as near as I can tell, reality plays as much role in reality shows as horses play in horse feathers, so coming up with a new show ought to be right up my alley. And I just happen to have a few ideas.
■ "Are We There Yet?" will feature a different vacationing family every week. We’ll watch as one family member wonders out loud if she remembered to turn off the oven and another opens his suitcase to discover he forgot his socks. We’ll share their amazement as they view the Grand Canyon or Old Faithful and their shock as they’re charged $10 a piece for hot dogs. Finally, we’ll see them arrive home safely, tired, broke, and barely speaking to each other.
■ On "Moving Story" we’ll follow a different hapless family each episode as they pack up their belongings and move to a new home. We’ll cheer on our favorite family members in the inevitable disputes over what is and is not worth dragging to the new house and who gets which bedroom in it. We’ll sympathize as they lose the packing tape and run out of boxes. And we’ll share their dismay as they begin to pack up their garage only to discover three boxes still packed from the last move.
■ In "Home for the Holidays" we’ll watch families debate the age-old questions of when to decorate (Thanksgiving, December 15th, never?) and which is better; a real or an artificial tree. If they choose real, we’ll watch as they struggle to put the darn thing together. If they decide on a real one, we’ll follow them as they head to the forest, get stuck in the snow, and lose their chainsaw. We’ll witness the fireworks as one family member climbs a ladder to string lights on the roof while another supervises from below. We’ll watch a parent come to blows with a stranger over the last Disney Frozen My Size Doll in the store, and we’ll see the family dining with relatives, barely tolerating the traditional foods and the people that only come around once a year.
■ "Mom Always Liked You Best" will feature a different litter of adult siblings each week, as they come together to clean out their parents’ home. We’ll see childhood battles rehashed, and cheer for our favorites as they fight over who gets the china and the stamp collection. The stars of American Pickers and Pawn Stars will make guest appearances to settle disputes over whether those old ash trays and the collection of National Geographics are worth anything or not.
■ Instead of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" – or Orange County, Beverly Hills, New York, or Atlanta – we’ll have "The Real Housewives of Minnesota." It will be me much more … well … real. And instead of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," how about "Keeping Up with the Rosbys." Or maybe not. We aren’t that hard to keep up with. And getting ahead of us would put an end to the show. I can’t see myself wanting to be on reality show anyway. Putting the details of my life out there week after week isn’t really my thing. Oh, wait.
"Around the Bend" appears regularly in the Advocate and about 25 newspapers in the Midwest, including the Rapid City Journal. Rosby, Rapid City, S.D., lives with her husband and teenaged son. For more on Rosby, visit www.dorothyrosby.com.
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